a depressed ramble

[13 Oct 2008 | Monday]


i’m lonely :(

i miss my nana a lot. she was my best friend who didnt work. whenever i was having a bad day or i was bored, i'd call her and she's always ask me and mike to come over and play cards and order a pizza that night or the next night.
when i was little i'd call her and she'd ask me to spend the night.
she was my friend when i didnt have friends or when my friends sucked or when i thought people were my friends and they hurt me or when a boyfriend broke up with me, she was there for me always.

i have a huge hole in my heart and an empty place in my life since she's not here to fill it anymore.


no one believes me or understands when i say that i'm lonely.

i've been lonely and depressed for the last 5 months. yes, other people lost her, other people were close to her, but no one had the relationship with her that i did, NO ONE. so no one understands how i feel and no one feels the same way i do, so i'm sick of people telling me they understand and they know how i feel, because they dont. i dont have anyone to talk to about it either, they just say "oh chin up" or "she's still here and around" fuck that.... she's in a great place and i'm alone. :(
sometimes i wanna die so i can be with her again, but then i remember i cant leave everyone else.... even though they can leave me.



why am i so dependent on everyone else? why do i care so much??? i dont want to care anymore. :(

when is it going to stop. when am i going to stop hurting? when am i going to carry on with my life and be brave again? i cant go 8 hours without thinking of her and wanting to call her and say hi and talk to her and see how she's doing and tell her all the news going on. she'd always say "no new news to report!" or "nothing new happening here" and then tell me at least 5 new things that happened.
she'd play bridge at least 5 times a week and i'd always call her during 2 of them. she'd go camping at least once a month with grandpa and she'd always invite me and mike.... i wish we would have done it at least once. we were supposed to go to hawaii with her next year. we still had a lot of things to do, now i'm not going to be able to do any of them.


i cry all the time thinking about this. why did she have to go? there are so many mean old people older that she was, who are just meaner than a pitbull who dont care whether they live or die..... why couldnt they have gone and God spared her a little longer?

it's been 5 fucking months since she died. 5 months of me getting depressed and lonely every other day. 5 months of me crying and crying all the time. 5 months of me trying to suck it up and be brave for everyone else. i'm sick of being brave. i'm sick of it.
i just want a hug.



all i want is a hug. why is that too much? why is it too hard?

i was the ONLY person who could bring myself to talk to her about this. it was so incredibly hard, but i needed to. i had to know how she was going to be around me because i need her so much... no one else could. i told everyone else to do that because i knew they'd want to know. but no one did. and now everyone else has her around and i dont have anything. i need her so much and she's no where around me.

i know i'm rambling and i dont care.


do you know how many times in the last 5 months i've wanted to call her? do you know how many times she would have called me?? i dont have any more postcards coming to me from hawaii. i dont have any more pinochle and pizza nights to look forward to. do you know how much i want those back? i'd give anything to have one more hug from her. ANYTHING. i just want to know that i'm ok, that she's ok, that everything is fine.
i am never, ever, EVER going to forget about her. i cant.
i feel forgotten. not by her. just forgotten. i need my family more than i need to shed these tears. but no one gets together anymore because she's not here to arrange it. everything we have done feels so cheesy and so halfassed. it's so awkward without her.


this is a terrible feeling.