a depressed ramble

[13 Oct 2008 | Monday]


i’m lonely :(

i miss my nana a lot. she was my best friend who didnt work. whenever i was having a bad day or i was bored, i'd call her and she's always ask me and mike to come over and play cards and order a pizza that night or the next night.
when i was little i'd call her and she'd ask me to spend the night.
she was my friend when i didnt have friends or when my friends sucked or when i thought people were my friends and they hurt me or when a boyfriend broke up with me, she was there for me always.

i have a huge hole in my heart and an empty place in my life since she's not here to fill it anymore.


no one believes me or understands when i say that i'm lonely.

i've been lonely and depressed for the last 5 months. yes, other people lost her, other people were close to her, but no one had the relationship with her that i did, NO ONE. so no one understands how i feel and no one feels the same way i do, so i'm sick of people telling me they understand and they know how i feel, because they dont. i dont have anyone to talk to about it either, they just say "oh chin up" or "she's still here and around" fuck that.... she's in a great place and i'm alone. :(
sometimes i wanna die so i can be with her again, but then i remember i cant leave everyone else.... even though they can leave me.



why am i so dependent on everyone else? why do i care so much??? i dont want to care anymore. :(

when is it going to stop. when am i going to stop hurting? when am i going to carry on with my life and be brave again? i cant go 8 hours without thinking of her and wanting to call her and say hi and talk to her and see how she's doing and tell her all the news going on. she'd always say "no new news to report!" or "nothing new happening here" and then tell me at least 5 new things that happened.
she'd play bridge at least 5 times a week and i'd always call her during 2 of them. she'd go camping at least once a month with grandpa and she'd always invite me and mike.... i wish we would have done it at least once. we were supposed to go to hawaii with her next year. we still had a lot of things to do, now i'm not going to be able to do any of them.


i cry all the time thinking about this. why did she have to go? there are so many mean old people older that she was, who are just meaner than a pitbull who dont care whether they live or die..... why couldnt they have gone and God spared her a little longer?

it's been 5 fucking months since she died. 5 months of me getting depressed and lonely every other day. 5 months of me crying and crying all the time. 5 months of me trying to suck it up and be brave for everyone else. i'm sick of being brave. i'm sick of it.
i just want a hug.



all i want is a hug. why is that too much? why is it too hard?

i was the ONLY person who could bring myself to talk to her about this. it was so incredibly hard, but i needed to. i had to know how she was going to be around me because i need her so much... no one else could. i told everyone else to do that because i knew they'd want to know. but no one did. and now everyone else has her around and i dont have anything. i need her so much and she's no where around me.

i know i'm rambling and i dont care.


do you know how many times in the last 5 months i've wanted to call her? do you know how many times she would have called me?? i dont have any more postcards coming to me from hawaii. i dont have any more pinochle and pizza nights to look forward to. do you know how much i want those back? i'd give anything to have one more hug from her. ANYTHING. i just want to know that i'm ok, that she's ok, that everything is fine.
i am never, ever, EVER going to forget about her. i cant.
i feel forgotten. not by her. just forgotten. i need my family more than i need to shed these tears. but no one gets together anymore because she's not here to arrange it. everything we have done feels so cheesy and so halfassed. it's so awkward without her.


this is a terrible feeling.

7 Years Since...

I will NEVER FORGET and ALWAYS REMEMBER 9/11/01.

It has been 7 years since I walked into my 1st period english class with my teacher sitting in the back of the room, at her desk, crying.
There were already some of my friends at their desks watching what appeared to be a movie... only a movie I'd never seen.
But this movie was on CNN! I didn't know CNN showed movies....
so I watch a little more and then I start to think........ this isn't a movie. Oh my God, this isn't a movie.
Then my stomach sank.

I walked back to my teacher quietly and I asked what had happened, and if she was okay.
She then figured it was time to get up and talk to the class about what was going on..

She informed us that someone had hijacked planes
(at that time she didn't know if they were terrorists or just crazy "unibomber" american people or what),
and flown them into the world trade center. As she was explaining that, the building began falling.
A bunch of my friends and I started crying. Some of my friends knew people who worked in the WTC, family and such.
I started praying. I prayed for everyone involved.

Thankfully I didn't know anyone in New York, or working at the WTC.
But to think about those families that lost their loved ones.
Sons, Daughters, Wives, Husbands, Mothers, Fathers, Nieces, Nephews,
Grandmothers, Grandfathers, Grandchildren, Friends, Sisters, Brothers.....
The loss is insurmountable.

Please be thankful for who you have in your life,
and tell everyone you love, that you love them!

Today is a day to remember great strength.

A day to be thankful for everything and everyone you have,
and those we have lost.

Peace starts at home with education.
Teach tolerance. Teach equality. Teach LOVE. Teach respect.
Teach beauty. Teach acceptance. Teach forgiveness.
Believe in yourself. Believe in others.
Peace and Love are the truest feelings of your heart.

Teach your children the truth.

I love you all!

hooray for new apartments!!

OH MY GOSH I'm so happy!!!


Mike and I are moving! We're moving to Irvine on 8/16/08... one of the best days of our lives.. hahaha

It's going to be amazing.

It's in Northpark-- a new development in Irvine, the apartments are called Solana. We have a 1br 1ba + den... full size washer and dryer in our own laundry room, a huge patio, full size dishwasher, huge fridge with ice maker, central air and heat, back door, our own 1 car garage that closes in with an automatic garage door, storage.... IT'S THE BEST!!!!!!!!! i'm so excited. WE are so excited!!!

Disneyland Fun

I got a new tattoo on my arm, under my jitterbug. It's the last line of "In My Life" by the Beatles, in sheet music form. I LOVE it. I've wanted this one forever and I'm very happy/proud to finally have it.

-----

Shanna came down to visit from Washington and brought her new boyfriend, Alex. He is an AMAZING guy, hands down the best guy I've ever seen her with! I'm so happy she found someone who treats her right, esp. after that (explicit) ex of hers..

Mike and I picked her and Alex up from KLSX (97.1fm LA) radio studios on Wed. night and brought them down to her grandma's house is Buena Park, then Friday, ALL DAY (starting at 9am going til 1am) we were at Disneyland. Alex has never been and I haven't been to dland with Shanna in over 5 years, so it was a LOT of fun. We went on Pirates of the Carribean, Tiki Room, Haunted Mansion, Big Thunder Mountain Railroad, the train, saw Honey I Shrunk the Audience, saw the Billy's, went over to Tom Sawyer Island-- well, now it's like, "Pirate Island" or something, but it was cool, the pirate band on the island played my arm.. we watched them for a while... and we went on the Columbia ship.
We went and picked Mike up after work at 5 then went to Joe's Crab Shack and had a great time there. Good food, they got a few drinks (i was DD), was fun!
We went back to Disneyland, went on Space Mountain, Matterhorn, Indiana Jones, and Splash Mountain. OMG on splash mountain there were these god aweful annoying 'tweens' that we wanted to kill. Alex and Mike scared them after the ride. That was entertaining. We saw Fantasmic! and the fireworks.... we did SO MUCH in one day! I swear, I haven't been that active at Disneyland in a looooong time.

All in all it was a very very good day, a good time at Disneyland, and a great time with great friends. AND I hope hope hope that they move down here!!! That would be so much fun! :)

Playing Games

PLAYING GAMES

"He loves me

He loves me not"

A simple game played
In the hearts of young girls
True or false?
I ask, only because
Because a young girl
Is in every woman
And every woman

Has the same question
The same game
Flipping their hearts over
And making their world
Go twirling through the universe
Even though it feels crazy
You feel funny
You're still on your axis
Spinning just like the world does.
Picking flowers
From your neighbors garden
Playing with your hair
Looking down at your feet
You think about those seven words
And smile a little
Skip a little
Dance around
Just like the butterflies
In your tummy
Brushing your heart
With their soft fluttering wings
Like the petals
On that tiny key
That unlocks your heart
And makes you vulnerable
Vulnerable enough
To wonder if it's right
Wonder if the fortune is yours
"He loves me
He loves me not"
Only you will know
You'll find out soon
He loves me
Play the game
He loves me not
Another flower
Without it's wings
Laying on the sidewalk
Next to the feet of
A million people who walk past it
They never notice it there
And never know
Just what it meant
To the heart
Of one little girl.
She wishes on the first star
She sees every night
And hopes her dreams
Will come true
Some day.
Some day soon
They'll all become true.
Some days he loves me.
Some days he loves me not.
I guess it really depends on the flower?

A Good, Clean Feeling!

Isn't it just the best when you clean everything and find out you aren't as much of a slob as you thought you were?

It's easy to get caught up in the rush of things and let yourself forget about what needs to be done around your house... For me, this is my first apartment out of my parents' house. I was never one to 'clean for the fun of it' at home. I would only do things after being nagged for at least a week, and even that was 'iffy. Now I'm married and living on my own, not only having to take care of myself, but take care of my husband and two cats. Yeah, we've been living on our own for almost a year, but it's still hard to keep up on things, especially with everything that's been going on lately in my family, with my grandma and such...

Over the last week, Mike and I have been cleaning, little by little, getting rid of things we don't need/want/use, and it feels good. It's hard, because I have a tremendous pack-rat gene in my blood, so I get very easily emotionally attached to the most random, stupid things. Like a nail polish I bought with my best friend when she came back for the summer, the first time after she moved two states away-- when I was 11. Or my 'skinny' clothes-- I was holding on to those for dear life, knowing full well I would fit in them again someday. No offense to the woman, but that last sentence sounded EXACTLY like something my grandmother would say, and she had 5 bedrooms with piles at least 6 feet tall of clothes, 75% of which still had tags on them... but she wouldn't get rid of them, because she'd fit into them someday. Hey, she didn't! haha. Now we have to get rid of them for my grandpa. That should be fun when the time comes.

So yeah, I got rid of clothes that I can't fit in to, or I just don't wear. I got rid of nail polish and old makeup. Furniture we don't use or has been ruined by our dear little cats. Random little things. Belts. Shoes. Tons of stuff! But it feels so good to clear it all away and know it's not going to be hanging over our heads anymore.

But the dust around the house sure is aggravating. I've sneezed about 800 times in the last week.



Mike's birthday is coming up! June 13, he's gonna be 23 years old! I don't know why on Earth I thought this, but when I was younger, like probably 8-20 years old, I always thought 23 was the COOLEST age to be... like that was the prime age to be the best you'll ever be. Like I said, I don't know what gave me this idea or what made me want to be 23, but that's the best! Only a few more mos for moi!


Time for me to go, but I hope this inspired you to clean out the unnecessary crap in your life, whatever that may be!! :)

emotionally drained. yes.

We had my grandma's memorial service on saturday.

It was hot, it was packed, it was busy, it was a party, and it was exactly what she would have wanted. Lots of stories and lots of pictures... it was really good to see so many people, unfortunately not under the best of circumstances, BUT nonetheless, it was a good get-together.

it's been quite an emotional month.

my grandma got put in the hospital, we found out she had cancer, we were told she had two weeks to live, she got worse, she died, we had a memorial, and NOWWWW my sister should be having her baby any day now.

i cant do it anymore i swear!!!!!

hah


sooo... other than that... my best friend is currently in ENGLAND! i'm so jello but it's so awesome. and she said she's gonna get me somethin shiny. :D


i am thoroughly BORED. and fully drained.

"Have fun on your never-ending vacation!"

My nana died on friday, at 11:45am.

I was devistated when i first heard the news, but after about 10 minutes, i called mike to give him the news, as he was at work.

like i said in a previous post, my nana and i had a conversation about what her sign was going to be for me when she came to visit...

I said "So what's gonna be your sign to me.. to let me know you're around?" and she said "well, what would you like it to be?" I said "huh, I don't really know, I haven't thought about it. Give me a second." to which she said "ok" and dozed off for about 5 minutes. Long enough for michelle and chris to get there. Just about when they got there is when I came to a conclusion of how I wanted her to come see me.
I said "Nana I know what I want now" and she said "ok, go ahead" and I said, "well, we always talk a lot, like 3 times a week if you're in town.. so I'd like it if you could come and visit me in my dreams so we can keep in touch, and you can tell me how it is where you are and i can tell you how things are going for me." and she said okay and i also said "and if i start missing you or needing you, or you think i need a hug, make me feel really warm and consumed like one of your hugs" and she said "i can do that!" and was happy and said "i'll make you a cool logo" --not sure what that was about but it works! it was difficult to talk about and i started tearing up, but after about 10 mins, i double checked and asked to reassure myself "you remember what I said about the dreams, right?" and she said "yepyep, you'll see me often sweetiepie." which made me feel a lot better.

So anyways, while i was on the phone with mike, it was really cold in my room.. i had the fans on in my house and it was just generally chilly, how i like it. i was kinda cold, but that was normal. when i was telling him how sad i was and how much i already missed her and just wanted a hug, i got physically REALLY REALLY warm, like i had a temperature... i knew in my heart that she had come and given me a really big hug cause she knew i needed it.

after that, i didnt cry.

it made me feel so much better, knowing that SHE is better, and is in no more pain and is already doing so much better... i know she's gonna be there for me and my family, and all the people she's graced with her kindness and craziness..

my sister said something really cool under a picture of our nana that i think fits perfect...

"Have fun on your never-ending vacation!"



I love you nanners, you're the greatest woman i've ever met. I looked up to you in so many different ways and i've learned so much from you.
I know i'm not going to have you here physically, to comfort me or bug me or be crazy, but i will always have your memory and i will have you in my dreams and your hugs when i need them.
thank you for all the life-lessons taught, and for all the kindness you've bestowed upon me and my family. You welcomed my husband to the family with open arms and were the first person to show him love and kindness from family. I know you love him very much, and I'm going to take care of him, and he is going to take care of me, we loved playing pinochle with you and grampa all those times and i loved going through your avon, even though i probably took waaaaaay too much.
i loved how you broke into song every chance you got... you're so random and so much fun, and i'll always ALWAYS love you!
i'm going to tell my kids and my nieces and nephews just what an awesome grandma i had and i'm going to make SURE that Michael and Maya remember everything about you, and that Will and Connor know everything about you.... along with any other new kid to the family!

And just like the last thing I ever told you, "Get lots of rest, Nana, I love you. I'll see you soon!"
i mean every letter of that sentence...


I love you, Linda Adelle (Simonson) (Baldwin) Pearson (Nana) (Grandma)
You will GREATLY be missed and you've got a pretty big pair of shoes to fill!

Linda Adelle Pearson
11/4/41 - 5/9/08

it's good to laugh...

Another Update on the Cancer Watch

i know it's been a couple days and you're waiting for an update.

first i think i should explain things about my family...

i know it may come off like i'm being a little harsh, but it's really not the case.
my family doesnt COMMUNICATE. it's a very difficult think when personally i think communication is the key to A N Y relationship you have... that's one thing my grandma and i held a very strong and common bond about... it's been very difficult for my father, uncle, and aunt to communicate, due to an extremely abusive childhood, where they've had to kinda hold things back or not talk when it hurt the most, if that makes sense.
it's really hard for me to initiate a conversation about things that cause hurt and pain... I've tried and they're never concluded... never continued, dropped as fast as it started. It's getting better though... My dad and his bro&sis wrote a thing for their mom telling her that, though they love her and are selfish to keep her, they want her to be comfortable and know that her already passed loved ones are waiting for her to throw one hell of a party.. basically.

i am definitely more accepting of it all now. it's 100% not easy, and i'm not better or less depressed... i have an extreme lack of emotion right now due to such severe exhaustion-- mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually.
She and I had a conversation yesterday... it started before anyone was in the room- so just me and her talking. it was something i'd been meaning to ask her, but had never brought myself to discuss it.

I said "So what's gonna be your sign to me.. to let me know you're around?" and she said "well, what would you like it to be?" I said "huh, I don't really know, I haven't thought about it. Give me a second." to which she said "ok" and dozed off for about 5 minutes. Long enough for michelle and chris to get there. Just about when they got there is when I came to a conclusion of how I wanted her to come see me.
I said "Nana I know what I want now" and she said "ok, go ahead" and I said, "well, we always talk a lot, like 3 times a week if you're in town.. so I'd like it if you could come and visit me in my dreams so we can keep in touch, and you can tell me how it is where you are and i can tell you how things are going for me." and she said okay and i also said "and if i start missing you or needing you, or you think i need a hug, make me feel really warm and consumed like one of your hugs" and she said "i can do that!" and was happy and said "i'll make you a cool logo" --not sure what that was about but it works! it was difficult to talk about and i started tearing up, but after about 10 mins, i double checked and asked to reassure myself "you remember what I said about the dreams, right?" and she said "yepyep, you'll see me often sweetiepie." which made me feel a lot better.

i know i had been saying that i cant do these life-changing things without her, i can have babies, i need her there for me to teach me things and all this, but i started realizing that i'm ALWAYS going to have her... i know her more than most people do and she's still gonna be teaching me and i know very damnwell that she'll be with me during the delivery of all my babies and everything i need her for. and i'm right, i cant do it without her... but i also know that i wont do it without her. :) i'm a lot more content with myself and with her and we're doing well.

we had a conversation with her doctor today... her pathology results were back, and they still cant trace EXACTLY what kind of cancer it is, however, he did say that they found a large tumor in her small intestine, and it looks like that may be one of, if not the largest contributing factor to her cancer. He said it was an extremely aggressive cancer that spread very quickly through her abdomen, and when they opened her up it looked like someone had spilled milk over her, everything had spots of white cancer all over.

i've been at the hospital every day for the last week, both today, yesterday, and monday i was at the hospital all day from the time i dropped mike off at work, to the time i had to pick him up.

very very draining and exhausting.

Today chris, cassie, and dave left to go back home. they all had a very hard time leaving, but know she loves them very much and will be with them always. and they will be back for the memorial when the time comes, AND they were planning anyways to come when the kids are out of school in june for i think 4 weeks or so. It should be good. I really enjoy it when they're down... it's a good feeling to know you're surrounded by family, especially when they're your age or right around. I love knowing they look up to me and my sister and husband and love us so much, because they mean the world to us. Cassie is 14 and Chris is 17.

I looked up what the Awareness Ribbon color is for cancer of the small intestine-- it's Periwinkle. I love that color... expect a tattoo on me soon for her. I dont know what exactly i'm going to get, but It's going to be GREAT and absolutely beautiful, just like her..


i am very very tired and do need to get some rest, but i needed to write an update.. writing makes me feel so much better, just to get everything off my chest.

sunday was almost fun-day.

today was a great distraction day, but everything felt very eerie.

it's weird, because everything i do right now, i think about my grandma and what we/she would do in my situation, or how i would need her in my situation.

like the first thing we did today was to see what we were doing at Deb's house...
in this situation, either she'd call me or i'd call her and we'd talk about what was going on. like she would ask me to call deb, or she would say "i'm already here, when are you coming, we're going to do this and this and this then later we're doing this and you can join us, or maybe after we can go do this." and it just works..

second thing we did was go to Arby's.. but the closest one i know of to me is in HB so i had to remember where it was...
in that situation, i'd call her and ask where it is, and she'd tell me how to get there from where i was. she was my map around town. i had to find my own way this time which sucked. i even thought about calling her then realized i couldnt because she was in the hospital and could barely speak.

after that we were at debs and i couldnt finish my shake...
the first person i'd ask to finish it would be her, because she loved the jamocha shakes from Arby's.

Baby Will started crying a lot when it was me and michelle around him...
usually she'd come over and be obnoxious and start making loud happy noises and make him laugh.

we went to don jose's...
i've NEVER been there without her, EVER. especially with a huge family gathering.
it was maya, cassie, me, michelle, chris, mom, carol ann, debbie, matt, will, grandpa, bob, dave, dad, sheila, chris, mike, and michael. very seriously the weirdest thing about today.


there was just a lot of weird things and weird firsts i thought i'd never have to experience.

it's really hard not having anyone to talk to about it. it's as if they're all ignoring what's going on or why they're here, why they're gathered. i just want to be able to talk and cry in front of my family. that's what family is for. family isnt for changing the topic or getting your mind off things, family is for making you get it off your chest and letting your voice be heard and having someone to lean on and cry with and tell you they will always be there for you. family is there to give you a hard time and make you feel so uncomfortable you end up being comfortable because everything is out in the open.

you know, my lack of friends is ASTOUNDING when it seems i need them most. it's not an issue of "well you find out who your true friends are", because i know who my true friends are. everyone i consider a Friend, and i say "they're my friend' is because i know that no matter what happens to them, i will always be there for them, and i know i have that in return. if i say, "yeah we were friends" or "we've known each other for a long time" that doesnt mean anything other than the fact that i know their name and what they've done at some point in time. it doesnt mean i'm going to lay down in the street for them, nor them for me, and i wouldnt expect that.


i'm having a very hard time accepting the changes that are inevitably happening right now.
i had another good cry tonight and it feels like my depression is still front and center.
last night was my first actual night of sleep, where i slept through the night without waking up.
it was good, but unfortunately i was still exhausted when i woke up.

my mind keeps flashing back to things me and my grandma did together and it keeps killing little bits of me inside to know one more thing we're not going to do together anymore.

she has the greatest hug i've ever had. it's just a fully consuming hug that just buries you in love and warm and comfort, like no matter what is wrong, no matter what happened, everything is going to be okay, because you have that hug and that warmth and that overwhelming feel of comfort. i'm really going to miss that.

my eyes are on fire again. mike finally talked with me and told me how he was feeling and let me really talk about how i'm feeling. it definitely felt good, though i didnt do the best thing right beforehand.
i felt really angry, like he was telling me i wasnt justified for feeling the way i did, and i pushed him. hard. i almost wanted to hurt him, i think, the way he was hurting me. he wasnt trying to hurt me, and thinking back on it, i know that, but i'm at an extremely fragile state and took it the wrong way, which led me to act out and react the wrong way. i got mine though, i think i sprained my wrist when i pushed him. it hurts like a bitch right now. i have to keep it flat and straight while i type or a get a sharp shooting pain right in the middle of it.

i actually layed in my empty bathtub with my clothes on and just cried. it was really cold and felt really good.

i wanted to race over to my grandmas house and tell her i just got really mad at mike and i felt bad and he was really mad at me and i hurt him and i didnt want to and for her to hug me and tell me to shut up and to go back home and tell mike that i love him.. that made me cry even more knowing i couldnt do that, so i just cried and cried and cried til mike came and and held my hand and told me he loved me and he was sorry. i cried more when he said that and i told him i loved him too.

he told me he cant promise that what i feel now is going to go away, but he said it lessens with time. he told me to tell her whatever i wanted. to tell her that i love her. it was really touching and i felt so good hearing that come from him. just knowing that he's there for me, even when i'm in the state i currently am in, is amazing..

i told him that no matter what, i am never ever going to leave him. even if i die, i'm going to be there. i said i'm gonna come back and haunt him! haha

i really love this man so much, and i wish i could feel better. i try to pull myself out of it and wake up and carry on, but i still just have this weight on my neck pulling me down.

i feel like absolute shit 90% of the time.



i cry a lot right now. i wish i had more people to talk to.
i'm so sick of crying. i hate crying so much. but it seems all i do is cry.
sometimes i wish i wasnt so good at putting up a facade and pretending i'm okay and strong and nothing's worrying me... i really wish i could be openly vulnerable around people and really give a true answer to "how are you?"
i dont want to say "i'm doing well" i want to say, "well, i feel like shit because my favorite person in the whole world, my grandma, is dying, but i'm trying to keep my game face on so i dont worry everyone else by making them think i'm truly depressed, as i actually am."

i really want to get a tattoo for her. i have a few ideas, nothing specifically concrete yet... i need to get my notebook out and get drawing. something will come to me when i do it.

acid sucks, especially when it's coming from your eyes.

nothing really...

my uncle and two cousins came down from oregon today.

i missed them a lot and i really wanted to see them, i just wish it were under different circumstances.
my uncle is my dad's younger brother. he's my favorite uncle and i never get to see him as much as i'd like to.

it was good spending time with them tonight at my aunts house, just shooting the shit.

we go to don jose's tomorrow... it's my uncles like favorite restaurant down here. it's some crazy tradition our family holds. haha

my head feel like it's about 40 lbs.
and my neck is killing me.

i'm still dizzy and woozy and i feel sick and i dont like eating, but mike keeps making me eat.



i visited my grandma in the hospital today for the first time.
i was with mike and my sister and her boyfriend... it was eerily reminiscent of my great grandma in the nursing hospital... she looked more like her mother today then she has in her whole life. it made me feel terrible.

she put on her game face for us and laughed and was talkin to us, but she was so tired and in so much pain... it hurt me to see her like that.

i am so absolutely drained it's not even funny. i havent felt more tired in my whole life, but i still cant sleep. i cant close my eyes and try to feel okay.

i keep trying to distract myself with mindless crap, so i cant think about it, but it doesnt really work.

there's so much to do but i dont feel like i can do anything.

i feel almost lifeless right now. i dont know how much i'm going to sleep tonight. last night i was asleep for like 20 minutes, then i woke up, then i fell asleep again for about 5, then i woke up... that went on for a long time. then i fonally woke up completely at about 8? yeah, no sleep.

my mental gas tank is at E and i dont know how big my reserve tank is.


i'm tired.

i need to do laundry really fucking bad. and i need to go to the store. and i need to plan meals and clean the house and do a lot of different things. but everything i have to do has been put on the back burner.

ugh i am so tired.

i feel like my depression is getting a little worse. not one person still has sat down and talked to me about what's going on. it's hard for me to talk about how i feel when it's a face-to-face conversation, but i still think i deserve some attention from my family, in that regard. every person in my family know how close i am with her, but no one is asking me how i'm doing. it's like they're ignoring it.

i know mike is taking it all really hard, and i try talking with him about it, but he's shutting off to me too. i thought i'd be able to talk to him about it, but he doesnt say anything back to me when i try to talk. he's my backbone and my rock and he's not saying anything to me.

i'm kind of all cried out... i'm sick of crying, i dont think i have anymore tears. i might, but i dont want anymore tears. i think mike's sick of seeing me cry. i'm probably snapping at him a lot and pissing him off.

he seems REALLY fed up with me and i feel bad about it. i dont know what i'm supposed to do..?

i want a tattoo really bad.

my body is aching a lot... i need to get some rest.

and depression sets in.

i'm writing because i cant sleep. forgive any typos or messups, i've been awake since yesterday morning... about 42 hours so far.

i figured i should write to calm myself and explain what's going on in my life to make me act so cryptic.

my grandmother, my nana, Linda Adelle, is one of the greatest women i've ever known. i cant begin to describe her and how much i truly love and adore this woman.
she's been in every aspect of my life since my being in my mothers womb.

it happened really fast, within a month, she had a stomach ache, it swelled up, they did tests, found cancer, they thought it was early since it wasnt in her blood at all, just in liquid they had extracted from her abdomen. they ruled out the seriousness of liver or kidney cancer... she had her surgery yesterday (May 1, 2008) to remove her ovaries, uterus, and part of her colon, but when they opened her up they discovered it had pretty much spread through her entire abdomen.

i found out from my dad (her oldest son) that the doctors have given her between 2 weeks to 2 months to live. i cant tell you how crushing that is to me.



I'm already grieving and she's not gone yet. I havent seen her or talked to her and it's flipping me the fuck out. i've never not talked to my gramma before. i knew she wasnt doing well, i knew she was in the hospital, i knew she had cancer, and i didnt do anything about it. i ignored the situation, hoping it would go away.

i bawl my eyes out at the drop of a hat, then stop like nothing's wrong. i feel like i'm clinically going insane, like i will have to be put in a mental instituation because of all of this. i'm pushing my husband away more than anyone else and i dont know why. i love him so much and i'm pushing him away... i feel claustrophobic around him. that makes me feel like absolute shit. i feel like a terrible wife, not accepting his love and support.

i just want to wake up from this terrible aweful fucked up nightmare and realize none of it is real, my gramma is fine, she has no cancer, she's still going to be the loud, obnoxious, caring, beautiful woman i know and love, but she's not. she's in a lot of pain right now and is at peace with dying, but is scared for her family.

i cant imagine how it is for the rest of my family. i try thinking about my dad and aunt and uncle, and how it is to loose a parent, but i cant even fathom the loss. i think about my grandfather and cant even begin to pretend to know how it feels to loose your spouse.

the rug has been pulled out from under me on this one.

i feel so selfish. i have so much to learn from her still. i want her to see my babies and hold them and love them and give me advice on what to do for them. i still need her so much. i need her to teach me how to play bridge. i still want to go to hawaii with her next summer and go to puerto vallarta with her, and go camping with her again like i promised her for so many years.

why did i let things get in the way of spending time with her when i so very easily could have? why was i so selfish with my time instead of giving it to the ones i love? i feel like such a terrible person, like such a terrible granddaughter. i know how much she loves me and how much she's wanted me to do these things with her, and i never did. not once.

it absolutely breaks my heart. i feel like i'm dying inside. my lungs are crushed, it hurts to breathe, my tears are literally burning my face everytime they fall from my eyes. i'm dizzy and i feel like i am going to throw up. i'm shaking and my head is throbbing. i'm so weak and hurt... but she's got it a million times worse than i do.

why is she leaving us now?????????????????????

WHY IS SHE DOING THIS TO ME? to her family??
why couldnt she wait? just wait like 5-10 more years?
doesnt she know we still need her so much? doesnt she know i need her???????
i'm so mad at the whole thing. i'm selfish, but damnit, what the FUCK.

i dont know how i'm supposed to talk about this with anyone. i feel bad bringing it up. everyone has a lot to deal with, why the hell should i just be bringing more problems to the table? everyone has had to deal with this, why should it be any different for me? i'm not special, i dont deserve a shoulder to cry on. i'm a selfish bitch for not wanting my nana to die.

for God's sake, this woman is dying and no one is trying to do anything about it. they're all crying, accepting it, and moving on.

i already said this to mike and my parents and my sister, and i wish i would listen to myself when i say it...
life isnt going to stop for us because hers is ending.
michelle is still having her baby.
she's still going to be a mommy.
mom and dad are going to be grandparents.
i'm going to be an aunt for the first time.
mike and i are still trying to move.
none of this is stopping, the world still keeps turning, the sun rises and the sun sets, and a new day comes every day.
i know i have to keep going and be strong and take care of myself and my husband and family, but i dont want to.

i'm not as strong as everyone thinks i am damnit. i really am not strong at all. i try so hard to keep a stiff upper lip. i've already seen my parents cry. i see my dad cry over his mom, and my grandpa cry over is wife. that is so difficult for me to see because i care so much and i wish i could fix it and make it all better. i wish my gramma's pain would stop and she would be happy and healthy and walking around with us and playing pinochle with me and mike and grampa, making sure our food is warm enough when she has family over at her house, ordering her steaks still mooing, randomly bursting out into song when someone says something that reminds her of something else... there's so much i cant live without about her.

i dont want to do this. i dont want to deal with it. i want to shove it off and push it away. i want to stick it in the back of the drawer and deal with it in 10 years.

what the hell am i supposed to do?
how am i supposed to act?
should i be brave?
should i cry?
can i scream and yell and freak out?
should i be reserved and say everything is going to be okay?
can i be one of the crazy people and turn off my brain?
or should i pretend like there's nothing wrong?
what kind of emotions can i use?
what can i say?
am i allowed to be scared?
am i supposed to give her permission to die?
how am i supposed to feel?

cant someone tell me anything? give me a script to follow? give me a happy ending somewhere... i need something. i need her.

how am i supposed to be there for the rest of my family when they dont give a flying fuck about how i really feel?

not a single person in my family has really sat down and asked me how i feel or talked to me about it. i get the "how are you?" or "are you okay?" and i get one word out and they're on to the next thing.

why is it when i need my friends and family, i have the fewest i've ever seen? i think i have all these people to lean on and talk to, but instead i have maybe 2 people.
i know i know, it's better to have 2 people than a bunch of fake people... i agree.

i dont want her to go away.

my family and i all believe in a spiritual afterlife... i know she'll be going to a much better place and will be releived of her pain... she has so many people waiting for her, and she's going to have so much FUN up there! I believe she'll be watching out for us and keeping an eye on us like she always does, this time she'll just be a little further away.

i'm not going to be able to call her on the phone and see how she's doing or what she's doing tonight, she's not going to invite us over for pizza and pinochle.... GOD i wish i could be there right now with her. i wish we could be sitting around the dining room table losing with her to the boys. i always lose when i'm her partner in pinochle. and i dont mind losing anymore, as long as we still get to play.

she means everything to me... i wouldnt be me without her. i wouldnt be here without her rationalizing everything with me. she let me get mad and cry. she would hug me and tell me it's gonna be okay. her words "hey, you'll be okay. everything will be fine. i love you, you just gotta relax. come on, come here..." and she'd give me a hug. every time. EVERY TIME. where is she hugging me now? why cant i just hug her and tell her the same thing and make everything better the way she did for me? why cant i fix her the way she fixed me all those times? whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

it's not fair.

it's not fair at all.

when everyone was praying for her to get better, i was praying for the right thing to happen. i didnt think this was the right thing.
i know and believe everything happens for a reason, but what the fuck is the reason for this, right now. what is the reason for this. why is she dying? why is she leaving? why cant she be better. isnt her getting better and taking me to hawaii the right thing? isnt that in your cards, God?
why cant you just deal another hand cause you didnt like the first one you dealt?
she almost died once before and you let her come back... let her come back again. third time's a charm, right?
why cant you take someone else? i kinda need her right now. a lot of people need her right now. get rid of her cancer and make her all better. just give her a kiss on her owie and make it all better. i dont want her to hurt anymore. i dont want to hurt anymore.

i am a complete insomniac. i cant sleep. i'm exhausted mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually, but i cant sleep. i'm so afraid something is going to happen, i need to be here and be up.

i wish i could go cuddle up with her in her bed cause i had a bad dream.

i wish i could be a little girl again and learn more from her.
i spent so much time with her when i was younger and i didnt even realize how good i had it. she treated me so good. she treated me like gold. she loves me so much and i love her so much. i just wish i wasnt so stupid when i was a kid. i wish i realized what i had when i had it.

i cant go back now.

i'm sure you're sorry. i know you dont know what to say. i know nothing you say is going to make it better. i know you care. i'm sure it made you cry when you heard the news. i know you have no idea what i'm going through. i'm sure you love me and you wish you could make me feel better.

i wish my eyes would stop burning. i wish my tears didnt feel like acid burning down my cheeks.

cant we just stick our tongues out at each other and be silly and stupid and goofy and love? cant we do it without knowing one of us is dying? oh to be carefree... ignorance is bliss, ain't that the truth.

i know i've rambled a long time. i've been writing this for like an hour. seemed like 5 mintues to be honest.

well, at least another hour is dropped off.

........i'm sure i'll write more later, but i just cant anymore. i've cried too much in the last hour and to be honest, i'm sick of it.