sunday was almost fun-day.

today was a great distraction day, but everything felt very eerie.

it's weird, because everything i do right now, i think about my grandma and what we/she would do in my situation, or how i would need her in my situation.

like the first thing we did today was to see what we were doing at Deb's house...
in this situation, either she'd call me or i'd call her and we'd talk about what was going on. like she would ask me to call deb, or she would say "i'm already here, when are you coming, we're going to do this and this and this then later we're doing this and you can join us, or maybe after we can go do this." and it just works..

second thing we did was go to Arby's.. but the closest one i know of to me is in HB so i had to remember where it was...
in that situation, i'd call her and ask where it is, and she'd tell me how to get there from where i was. she was my map around town. i had to find my own way this time which sucked. i even thought about calling her then realized i couldnt because she was in the hospital and could barely speak.

after that we were at debs and i couldnt finish my shake...
the first person i'd ask to finish it would be her, because she loved the jamocha shakes from Arby's.

Baby Will started crying a lot when it was me and michelle around him...
usually she'd come over and be obnoxious and start making loud happy noises and make him laugh.

we went to don jose's...
i've NEVER been there without her, EVER. especially with a huge family gathering.
it was maya, cassie, me, michelle, chris, mom, carol ann, debbie, matt, will, grandpa, bob, dave, dad, sheila, chris, mike, and michael. very seriously the weirdest thing about today.


there was just a lot of weird things and weird firsts i thought i'd never have to experience.

it's really hard not having anyone to talk to about it. it's as if they're all ignoring what's going on or why they're here, why they're gathered. i just want to be able to talk and cry in front of my family. that's what family is for. family isnt for changing the topic or getting your mind off things, family is for making you get it off your chest and letting your voice be heard and having someone to lean on and cry with and tell you they will always be there for you. family is there to give you a hard time and make you feel so uncomfortable you end up being comfortable because everything is out in the open.

you know, my lack of friends is ASTOUNDING when it seems i need them most. it's not an issue of "well you find out who your true friends are", because i know who my true friends are. everyone i consider a Friend, and i say "they're my friend' is because i know that no matter what happens to them, i will always be there for them, and i know i have that in return. if i say, "yeah we were friends" or "we've known each other for a long time" that doesnt mean anything other than the fact that i know their name and what they've done at some point in time. it doesnt mean i'm going to lay down in the street for them, nor them for me, and i wouldnt expect that.


i'm having a very hard time accepting the changes that are inevitably happening right now.
i had another good cry tonight and it feels like my depression is still front and center.
last night was my first actual night of sleep, where i slept through the night without waking up.
it was good, but unfortunately i was still exhausted when i woke up.

my mind keeps flashing back to things me and my grandma did together and it keeps killing little bits of me inside to know one more thing we're not going to do together anymore.

she has the greatest hug i've ever had. it's just a fully consuming hug that just buries you in love and warm and comfort, like no matter what is wrong, no matter what happened, everything is going to be okay, because you have that hug and that warmth and that overwhelming feel of comfort. i'm really going to miss that.

my eyes are on fire again. mike finally talked with me and told me how he was feeling and let me really talk about how i'm feeling. it definitely felt good, though i didnt do the best thing right beforehand.
i felt really angry, like he was telling me i wasnt justified for feeling the way i did, and i pushed him. hard. i almost wanted to hurt him, i think, the way he was hurting me. he wasnt trying to hurt me, and thinking back on it, i know that, but i'm at an extremely fragile state and took it the wrong way, which led me to act out and react the wrong way. i got mine though, i think i sprained my wrist when i pushed him. it hurts like a bitch right now. i have to keep it flat and straight while i type or a get a sharp shooting pain right in the middle of it.

i actually layed in my empty bathtub with my clothes on and just cried. it was really cold and felt really good.

i wanted to race over to my grandmas house and tell her i just got really mad at mike and i felt bad and he was really mad at me and i hurt him and i didnt want to and for her to hug me and tell me to shut up and to go back home and tell mike that i love him.. that made me cry even more knowing i couldnt do that, so i just cried and cried and cried til mike came and and held my hand and told me he loved me and he was sorry. i cried more when he said that and i told him i loved him too.

he told me he cant promise that what i feel now is going to go away, but he said it lessens with time. he told me to tell her whatever i wanted. to tell her that i love her. it was really touching and i felt so good hearing that come from him. just knowing that he's there for me, even when i'm in the state i currently am in, is amazing..

i told him that no matter what, i am never ever going to leave him. even if i die, i'm going to be there. i said i'm gonna come back and haunt him! haha

i really love this man so much, and i wish i could feel better. i try to pull myself out of it and wake up and carry on, but i still just have this weight on my neck pulling me down.

i feel like absolute shit 90% of the time.



i cry a lot right now. i wish i had more people to talk to.
i'm so sick of crying. i hate crying so much. but it seems all i do is cry.
sometimes i wish i wasnt so good at putting up a facade and pretending i'm okay and strong and nothing's worrying me... i really wish i could be openly vulnerable around people and really give a true answer to "how are you?"
i dont want to say "i'm doing well" i want to say, "well, i feel like shit because my favorite person in the whole world, my grandma, is dying, but i'm trying to keep my game face on so i dont worry everyone else by making them think i'm truly depressed, as i actually am."

i really want to get a tattoo for her. i have a few ideas, nothing specifically concrete yet... i need to get my notebook out and get drawing. something will come to me when i do it.

acid sucks, especially when it's coming from your eyes.