and depression sets in.

i'm writing because i cant sleep. forgive any typos or messups, i've been awake since yesterday morning... about 42 hours so far.

i figured i should write to calm myself and explain what's going on in my life to make me act so cryptic.

my grandmother, my nana, Linda Adelle, is one of the greatest women i've ever known. i cant begin to describe her and how much i truly love and adore this woman.
she's been in every aspect of my life since my being in my mothers womb.

it happened really fast, within a month, she had a stomach ache, it swelled up, they did tests, found cancer, they thought it was early since it wasnt in her blood at all, just in liquid they had extracted from her abdomen. they ruled out the seriousness of liver or kidney cancer... she had her surgery yesterday (May 1, 2008) to remove her ovaries, uterus, and part of her colon, but when they opened her up they discovered it had pretty much spread through her entire abdomen.

i found out from my dad (her oldest son) that the doctors have given her between 2 weeks to 2 months to live. i cant tell you how crushing that is to me.



I'm already grieving and she's not gone yet. I havent seen her or talked to her and it's flipping me the fuck out. i've never not talked to my gramma before. i knew she wasnt doing well, i knew she was in the hospital, i knew she had cancer, and i didnt do anything about it. i ignored the situation, hoping it would go away.

i bawl my eyes out at the drop of a hat, then stop like nothing's wrong. i feel like i'm clinically going insane, like i will have to be put in a mental instituation because of all of this. i'm pushing my husband away more than anyone else and i dont know why. i love him so much and i'm pushing him away... i feel claustrophobic around him. that makes me feel like absolute shit. i feel like a terrible wife, not accepting his love and support.

i just want to wake up from this terrible aweful fucked up nightmare and realize none of it is real, my gramma is fine, she has no cancer, she's still going to be the loud, obnoxious, caring, beautiful woman i know and love, but she's not. she's in a lot of pain right now and is at peace with dying, but is scared for her family.

i cant imagine how it is for the rest of my family. i try thinking about my dad and aunt and uncle, and how it is to loose a parent, but i cant even fathom the loss. i think about my grandfather and cant even begin to pretend to know how it feels to loose your spouse.

the rug has been pulled out from under me on this one.

i feel so selfish. i have so much to learn from her still. i want her to see my babies and hold them and love them and give me advice on what to do for them. i still need her so much. i need her to teach me how to play bridge. i still want to go to hawaii with her next summer and go to puerto vallarta with her, and go camping with her again like i promised her for so many years.

why did i let things get in the way of spending time with her when i so very easily could have? why was i so selfish with my time instead of giving it to the ones i love? i feel like such a terrible person, like such a terrible granddaughter. i know how much she loves me and how much she's wanted me to do these things with her, and i never did. not once.

it absolutely breaks my heart. i feel like i'm dying inside. my lungs are crushed, it hurts to breathe, my tears are literally burning my face everytime they fall from my eyes. i'm dizzy and i feel like i am going to throw up. i'm shaking and my head is throbbing. i'm so weak and hurt... but she's got it a million times worse than i do.

why is she leaving us now?????????????????????

WHY IS SHE DOING THIS TO ME? to her family??
why couldnt she wait? just wait like 5-10 more years?
doesnt she know we still need her so much? doesnt she know i need her???????
i'm so mad at the whole thing. i'm selfish, but damnit, what the FUCK.

i dont know how i'm supposed to talk about this with anyone. i feel bad bringing it up. everyone has a lot to deal with, why the hell should i just be bringing more problems to the table? everyone has had to deal with this, why should it be any different for me? i'm not special, i dont deserve a shoulder to cry on. i'm a selfish bitch for not wanting my nana to die.

for God's sake, this woman is dying and no one is trying to do anything about it. they're all crying, accepting it, and moving on.

i already said this to mike and my parents and my sister, and i wish i would listen to myself when i say it...
life isnt going to stop for us because hers is ending.
michelle is still having her baby.
she's still going to be a mommy.
mom and dad are going to be grandparents.
i'm going to be an aunt for the first time.
mike and i are still trying to move.
none of this is stopping, the world still keeps turning, the sun rises and the sun sets, and a new day comes every day.
i know i have to keep going and be strong and take care of myself and my husband and family, but i dont want to.

i'm not as strong as everyone thinks i am damnit. i really am not strong at all. i try so hard to keep a stiff upper lip. i've already seen my parents cry. i see my dad cry over his mom, and my grandpa cry over is wife. that is so difficult for me to see because i care so much and i wish i could fix it and make it all better. i wish my gramma's pain would stop and she would be happy and healthy and walking around with us and playing pinochle with me and mike and grampa, making sure our food is warm enough when she has family over at her house, ordering her steaks still mooing, randomly bursting out into song when someone says something that reminds her of something else... there's so much i cant live without about her.

i dont want to do this. i dont want to deal with it. i want to shove it off and push it away. i want to stick it in the back of the drawer and deal with it in 10 years.

what the hell am i supposed to do?
how am i supposed to act?
should i be brave?
should i cry?
can i scream and yell and freak out?
should i be reserved and say everything is going to be okay?
can i be one of the crazy people and turn off my brain?
or should i pretend like there's nothing wrong?
what kind of emotions can i use?
what can i say?
am i allowed to be scared?
am i supposed to give her permission to die?
how am i supposed to feel?

cant someone tell me anything? give me a script to follow? give me a happy ending somewhere... i need something. i need her.

how am i supposed to be there for the rest of my family when they dont give a flying fuck about how i really feel?

not a single person in my family has really sat down and asked me how i feel or talked to me about it. i get the "how are you?" or "are you okay?" and i get one word out and they're on to the next thing.

why is it when i need my friends and family, i have the fewest i've ever seen? i think i have all these people to lean on and talk to, but instead i have maybe 2 people.
i know i know, it's better to have 2 people than a bunch of fake people... i agree.

i dont want her to go away.

my family and i all believe in a spiritual afterlife... i know she'll be going to a much better place and will be releived of her pain... she has so many people waiting for her, and she's going to have so much FUN up there! I believe she'll be watching out for us and keeping an eye on us like she always does, this time she'll just be a little further away.

i'm not going to be able to call her on the phone and see how she's doing or what she's doing tonight, she's not going to invite us over for pizza and pinochle.... GOD i wish i could be there right now with her. i wish we could be sitting around the dining room table losing with her to the boys. i always lose when i'm her partner in pinochle. and i dont mind losing anymore, as long as we still get to play.

she means everything to me... i wouldnt be me without her. i wouldnt be here without her rationalizing everything with me. she let me get mad and cry. she would hug me and tell me it's gonna be okay. her words "hey, you'll be okay. everything will be fine. i love you, you just gotta relax. come on, come here..." and she'd give me a hug. every time. EVERY TIME. where is she hugging me now? why cant i just hug her and tell her the same thing and make everything better the way she did for me? why cant i fix her the way she fixed me all those times? whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

it's not fair.

it's not fair at all.

when everyone was praying for her to get better, i was praying for the right thing to happen. i didnt think this was the right thing.
i know and believe everything happens for a reason, but what the fuck is the reason for this, right now. what is the reason for this. why is she dying? why is she leaving? why cant she be better. isnt her getting better and taking me to hawaii the right thing? isnt that in your cards, God?
why cant you just deal another hand cause you didnt like the first one you dealt?
she almost died once before and you let her come back... let her come back again. third time's a charm, right?
why cant you take someone else? i kinda need her right now. a lot of people need her right now. get rid of her cancer and make her all better. just give her a kiss on her owie and make it all better. i dont want her to hurt anymore. i dont want to hurt anymore.

i am a complete insomniac. i cant sleep. i'm exhausted mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually, but i cant sleep. i'm so afraid something is going to happen, i need to be here and be up.

i wish i could go cuddle up with her in her bed cause i had a bad dream.

i wish i could be a little girl again and learn more from her.
i spent so much time with her when i was younger and i didnt even realize how good i had it. she treated me so good. she treated me like gold. she loves me so much and i love her so much. i just wish i wasnt so stupid when i was a kid. i wish i realized what i had when i had it.

i cant go back now.

i'm sure you're sorry. i know you dont know what to say. i know nothing you say is going to make it better. i know you care. i'm sure it made you cry when you heard the news. i know you have no idea what i'm going through. i'm sure you love me and you wish you could make me feel better.

i wish my eyes would stop burning. i wish my tears didnt feel like acid burning down my cheeks.

cant we just stick our tongues out at each other and be silly and stupid and goofy and love? cant we do it without knowing one of us is dying? oh to be carefree... ignorance is bliss, ain't that the truth.

i know i've rambled a long time. i've been writing this for like an hour. seemed like 5 mintues to be honest.

well, at least another hour is dropped off.

........i'm sure i'll write more later, but i just cant anymore. i've cried too much in the last hour and to be honest, i'm sick of it.