Another Update on the Cancer Watch

i know it's been a couple days and you're waiting for an update.

first i think i should explain things about my family...

i know it may come off like i'm being a little harsh, but it's really not the case.
my family doesnt COMMUNICATE. it's a very difficult think when personally i think communication is the key to A N Y relationship you have... that's one thing my grandma and i held a very strong and common bond about... it's been very difficult for my father, uncle, and aunt to communicate, due to an extremely abusive childhood, where they've had to kinda hold things back or not talk when it hurt the most, if that makes sense.
it's really hard for me to initiate a conversation about things that cause hurt and pain... I've tried and they're never concluded... never continued, dropped as fast as it started. It's getting better though... My dad and his bro&sis wrote a thing for their mom telling her that, though they love her and are selfish to keep her, they want her to be comfortable and know that her already passed loved ones are waiting for her to throw one hell of a party.. basically.

i am definitely more accepting of it all now. it's 100% not easy, and i'm not better or less depressed... i have an extreme lack of emotion right now due to such severe exhaustion-- mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually.
She and I had a conversation yesterday... it started before anyone was in the room- so just me and her talking. it was something i'd been meaning to ask her, but had never brought myself to discuss it.

I said "So what's gonna be your sign to me.. to let me know you're around?" and she said "well, what would you like it to be?" I said "huh, I don't really know, I haven't thought about it. Give me a second." to which she said "ok" and dozed off for about 5 minutes. Long enough for michelle and chris to get there. Just about when they got there is when I came to a conclusion of how I wanted her to come see me.
I said "Nana I know what I want now" and she said "ok, go ahead" and I said, "well, we always talk a lot, like 3 times a week if you're in town.. so I'd like it if you could come and visit me in my dreams so we can keep in touch, and you can tell me how it is where you are and i can tell you how things are going for me." and she said okay and i also said "and if i start missing you or needing you, or you think i need a hug, make me feel really warm and consumed like one of your hugs" and she said "i can do that!" and was happy and said "i'll make you a cool logo" --not sure what that was about but it works! it was difficult to talk about and i started tearing up, but after about 10 mins, i double checked and asked to reassure myself "you remember what I said about the dreams, right?" and she said "yepyep, you'll see me often sweetiepie." which made me feel a lot better.

i know i had been saying that i cant do these life-changing things without her, i can have babies, i need her there for me to teach me things and all this, but i started realizing that i'm ALWAYS going to have her... i know her more than most people do and she's still gonna be teaching me and i know very damnwell that she'll be with me during the delivery of all my babies and everything i need her for. and i'm right, i cant do it without her... but i also know that i wont do it without her. :) i'm a lot more content with myself and with her and we're doing well.

we had a conversation with her doctor today... her pathology results were back, and they still cant trace EXACTLY what kind of cancer it is, however, he did say that they found a large tumor in her small intestine, and it looks like that may be one of, if not the largest contributing factor to her cancer. He said it was an extremely aggressive cancer that spread very quickly through her abdomen, and when they opened her up it looked like someone had spilled milk over her, everything had spots of white cancer all over.

i've been at the hospital every day for the last week, both today, yesterday, and monday i was at the hospital all day from the time i dropped mike off at work, to the time i had to pick him up.

very very draining and exhausting.

Today chris, cassie, and dave left to go back home. they all had a very hard time leaving, but know she loves them very much and will be with them always. and they will be back for the memorial when the time comes, AND they were planning anyways to come when the kids are out of school in june for i think 4 weeks or so. It should be good. I really enjoy it when they're down... it's a good feeling to know you're surrounded by family, especially when they're your age or right around. I love knowing they look up to me and my sister and husband and love us so much, because they mean the world to us. Cassie is 14 and Chris is 17.

I looked up what the Awareness Ribbon color is for cancer of the small intestine-- it's Periwinkle. I love that color... expect a tattoo on me soon for her. I dont know what exactly i'm going to get, but It's going to be GREAT and absolutely beautiful, just like her..


i am very very tired and do need to get some rest, but i needed to write an update.. writing makes me feel so much better, just to get everything off my chest.