nothing really...

my uncle and two cousins came down from oregon today.

i missed them a lot and i really wanted to see them, i just wish it were under different circumstances.
my uncle is my dad's younger brother. he's my favorite uncle and i never get to see him as much as i'd like to.

it was good spending time with them tonight at my aunts house, just shooting the shit.

we go to don jose's tomorrow... it's my uncles like favorite restaurant down here. it's some crazy tradition our family holds. haha

my head feel like it's about 40 lbs.
and my neck is killing me.

i'm still dizzy and woozy and i feel sick and i dont like eating, but mike keeps making me eat.



i visited my grandma in the hospital today for the first time.
i was with mike and my sister and her boyfriend... it was eerily reminiscent of my great grandma in the nursing hospital... she looked more like her mother today then she has in her whole life. it made me feel terrible.

she put on her game face for us and laughed and was talkin to us, but she was so tired and in so much pain... it hurt me to see her like that.

i am so absolutely drained it's not even funny. i havent felt more tired in my whole life, but i still cant sleep. i cant close my eyes and try to feel okay.

i keep trying to distract myself with mindless crap, so i cant think about it, but it doesnt really work.

there's so much to do but i dont feel like i can do anything.

i feel almost lifeless right now. i dont know how much i'm going to sleep tonight. last night i was asleep for like 20 minutes, then i woke up, then i fell asleep again for about 5, then i woke up... that went on for a long time. then i fonally woke up completely at about 8? yeah, no sleep.

my mental gas tank is at E and i dont know how big my reserve tank is.


i'm tired.

i need to do laundry really fucking bad. and i need to go to the store. and i need to plan meals and clean the house and do a lot of different things. but everything i have to do has been put on the back burner.

ugh i am so tired.

i feel like my depression is getting a little worse. not one person still has sat down and talked to me about what's going on. it's hard for me to talk about how i feel when it's a face-to-face conversation, but i still think i deserve some attention from my family, in that regard. every person in my family know how close i am with her, but no one is asking me how i'm doing. it's like they're ignoring it.

i know mike is taking it all really hard, and i try talking with him about it, but he's shutting off to me too. i thought i'd be able to talk to him about it, but he doesnt say anything back to me when i try to talk. he's my backbone and my rock and he's not saying anything to me.

i'm kind of all cried out... i'm sick of crying, i dont think i have anymore tears. i might, but i dont want anymore tears. i think mike's sick of seeing me cry. i'm probably snapping at him a lot and pissing him off.

he seems REALLY fed up with me and i feel bad about it. i dont know what i'm supposed to do..?

i want a tattoo really bad.

my body is aching a lot... i need to get some rest.